I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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