he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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