non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I know her cup size but not her name....
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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