soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
