nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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