I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize