I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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