you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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