before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
