dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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