we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
