remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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