i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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