I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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