when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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