I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
