Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
