Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
i black out too much to be "responsible"
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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