Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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