Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm jealous of your bromance
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
