my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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