Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize