i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
