oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
