i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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