I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
