i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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