My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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