So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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