tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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