i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I faked an abortion last night.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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