I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
