Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
