im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
