I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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