Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
