I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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