I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
