I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
