thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
