im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
