Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
