i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
