You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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