yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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