saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
