For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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