There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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