I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
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