Your mouth is God's brothel.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
