I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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