but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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