i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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