I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize