So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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