happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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