You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
The beer is more important than you right now.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize