So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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