Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
