Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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