I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
