Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Your cock deserves a montage
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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