I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
