This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Randomize
