That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
