Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
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