Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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