Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize