Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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